The Unforgiven Lunch

I was just watching two of my favorite movies.  The Unforgiven and Naked Lunch. I came up with some interesting similarities.  Both movies focused on one man against the world.  One, The Unforgiven, shows Clint Eastwood as the epitome of unbridled testosterone after a few bumps of whiskey.  The other, Naked Lunch, shows Peter Weller as the epitome of unbridled testosterone after a lot of drugs.  One takes place somewhere near Wyoming in the 1880's.  The other takes place in New York City in 1953.   Clint Eastwood kills all the bad guys and then some, promising to kill anyone who tries to kill him along with his family, friends and burn down their houses.  Peter kills his wife and flees to Interzone where he writes reports and does lots of drugs.  

I knew there was more to this than simple testosterone so I made a pot of beans and got out my favorite hat.  And not just any hat but a hat that carefully blends the 1870's wild west with the 1950's New York look in such a way that walking the now-a-days streets wearing such a chapeau would make me look contemporarily cool.  Beans......... absolutely timeless, outside of modern thinking.  We're so brainwashed into thinking farting is so uncool we don't even emit gas anymore.  I shudder to think what kind of lame, superficial, substance derived society we developed into that we can't even wear a stylish hat and produce a loud fart in public anymore.

Anyway, I realized Clint and Peter have a few things in common. 

1.  They both wear hats.

2.  They're both calm and ineffectual as long as they don't do their drug of choice.

3.  They were both exterminators before their wives forced them to quit.

4. They both have dead wives.

I noticed something about hats.  In any movie where a guy wears a cool hat he's taken as a man of the world, a professional, a wise man full of testosterone who don't take shit from the non-hat wearers and pretty much does as he wants, regardless of the consequences.  Movies done in the hatless era of American cinema show men as wimpy, angst-ridden fruits with a lot of special effects to prop up their cinema bravado.  A man without a brimmed hat is a pussy whipped gelding.  Don't take my word for it.  Research this for yourself.

Let's make a list of non-hat wearing "real men".

Antonio Banderas, Aunold Schwarzenegger, Sly Stallone, Harrison Ford, (except in the Indiana Jones movies) Hugh Grant, Pierce Brosnan, Keanu Reaves, Jude Law, Orlando Bloom, Bruce Willis....... the list is endless.

Now lets take a look at some hat wearers.

Edward G. Robinson, Bogie, James Cagney, John Wayne, Ray Milland, Cary Grant, The Lone Ranger, Clint Eastwood, Steve Martin.

If we put all these hat and non-hat wearers in a ring and had them duke it out the non-hat wearers would be peeing their pants in fright.  Even Aunald couldn't do shit without special effects and an agent.  If Sly Stallone had worn a nice Stetson in the ring in Rocky II he would've kicked Mr. T's ass before he even climbed over the ropes.  A funny haircut can never replace a stylish hat.  A hat that says, I am so cool.        

Some men who wear hats

anyone who don't wanna die better clear on out the back did you say sexual ambulance?
naughty.  naughty.  naughty.  NICE!


hatless persian cowards!


I won't list the men who don't wear hats because the list will be way too long.   You know who you are.  To be honest, I haven't been wearing my hat near as much as I should and my testosterone levels have dropped because of it.  So much for self experimentation.


A few examples of hats.


Ben Cartwright had three sons from three different women who all died in childbirth.  It's rumored Ben wore his hat during the act of conception.

Samson's hair was saved by Delilah and was woven into a keffiyeh which Abraham found at a bazaar in Judea.  Shortly thereafter, Abraham fathered most of Israel.

Indiana Jones was a meek and mild mannered college professor until he donned his Fedora and all hell broke loose... dodging arrows, running away from careening boulders, fighting Nazis, getting the girl, and saving the whole planet.

Billy Bob Thornton had sex with his plumpers and waitress girlfriend only if he wore his Bad Santa hat.

Leonidas and his 300 men kicked the shit out of 20,000 Persians at the battle of Thermopylae.  Leonidas had a stunning Spartan horsetail helmet.  Xerxes had lots of piercings and no hat.


I could go on and on with these historical anecdotes.  History is littered with a plethora of manly hat wearers, but you get the picture.  It's the hat that makes the man and today's man is hatless.  (ball caps of any kind don't count) 



A word about caps

Caps are considered part of a uniform.  It symbolizes the wearer to be a member of a particular group or a supporter of that group.  Even though Hop Sing was a member of the richest family in Nevada he insisted on wearing the uniform of his railroad working, rickshaw pulling, laundry cleaning, coolie brethren.  The only difference between Hop Sing's coolie hat and a baseball cap is the brim and insignia.  


Take a good look at all those guys wearing real hats.  Each and every one of them has a different hat to symbolize their unique personalities.  Hats that say, "This is me.  I'm independent, I think for myself, and I don't march in lockstep with the majority."  Unlike Hop Sing and the rest of his Communist ilk.

The wider the brim, the more dominant the wearer becomes.  Compare Al Capone, Hopalong Cassidy, and Roy Rogers with Al Franken, David Cassidy, and Mr. Rogers.  Opposite sides of the same coin with a wide brimmed difference.

And the difference is giving orders as opposed to taking them!

hop on these
GAY They don't call him Mr. McFeely for nothing


Real hats are still worn in some of the more independent parts of the world.  Texas is one of those places that happens to be the most outspoken and it's the only state that openly criticizes "global warming" as a scam, will not refuse to give up their constitutional rights, and believes concealed handguns on campus is the only way to prevent school shootings.


Is it possible we lose part of our independence when we lose our hats?  

Look around you and notice the behavior of the non-hat wearing men out there.  They walk alike, they talk alike and they think alike.  It's like a mass hypnosis turning independent survivalists into sleep walking sheep, begging for the slaughter as they walk lockstep into uniform oblivion.  Tattoos and piercings are merely responses to this profound lack of individuality our hatless society has created.  It's as if hats and tatts are inversely proportional.  While still in China, Hop Sing thought he was having the English characters for “Love, honor and obey” tattooed on his chest.  Years later he found out from the ranch hands at the swimming hole that what he actually had tattooed on his chest said “Abuse my anus.”  At this point in American history Chinese tattoos are extremely popular, even though most people don't have a clue what these symbols really mean.  What is believed to be a mark of their own individuality is in reality a mark of uniformity... ownership... a brand... just like hat wearing cowboys do to their cattle. 

"I walk lockstep with the herd to show my individuality."


Going to a haberdasher and purchasing a hat suitable to their own personality would be far less permanent.


Right, Mr. Sing?




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